Below article is really worth reading =). It will truly help you view criticism in a positive way and be able to help a friend in the process with a proper approach.
Our life is a learning process, so spend time reading and doing things right.
Stay bless,
Agnes
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HOW TO CRITICIZE CONSTRUCTIVELY
We often criticize people. If we are not careful, our criticisms may drag people down and hurt them unduly. But not all criticisms are bad. If we can criticize constructively, it may help the other person improve. Let’s see how we can do this.
1. Focus on the behavior and not on the person
A. “Don’t be such glutton! You’ve already eaten four slices of cake!”
B. “It is better not to overeat. Eating four slices of cake is not good for your body.”
Do you see the difference between criticisms A and B? The focus in A is on the person – calling him glutton. In B, the focus is on the behavior – overeating. The person criticized will probably feel bad after hearing A but he knows that B is an expression of concern for his health rather than a judgment on his person. It will be easier for him to accept criticism B. This brings us to another principle in criticizing.
2. Examine your motive for criticizing
Do you criticize because you are irritated with, or feel superior to the other person or do you want him to improve? In A above, the criticism is probably due to irritation with the person. Perhaps he has eaten your share of cake, so you call him glutton! But B is the right thing to say if you want him see what’s wrong with his behavior and how he can improve.
Another wrong motivation is criticizing out of a sense of superiority. We put people down in trying to make ourselves look good. When we do this, we are letting pride rear its ugly head.
As Christians we should be motivated by genuine love and concern. We should be “... speaking the truth in spirit of love” (Ephesians 4:15). Sometimes, we don’t dare to speak the truth for fear of hurting the other person. We dare not lose his friendship. But if we pray first –– for us and the other person –– before we confront him, the Holy Spirit will work in his heart. When we say our criticisms it will not be too painful.
Furthermore, if we do not speak the truth for fear of loosing friend, we are thinking more of ourselves than of this friend. If we truly love him, we will help him improve, so we should be willing to risk our friendship. Let us keep in mind that if we really pray, the relationship will not be harmed in the long run.
3. It is not just what we say, but also how we say it that matters
If we speak with harsh tones and a condemning attitude,whatever we say will probably bounce back to us. We may have the best of intensions, and what we say may be perfectly right. But if what we say is resented because of how it is said, then we fall short of our objective. However, if we speak gentle words in a spirit of love, our criticism is more likely to get through. The other person will feel that we care, and his heart will be more receptive. Remember the incident in Bethany when Jesus Christ was invited to the house of Martha & Mary? Mary sat at the Lord’s feet listening to Him. But Martha was busy with house work. She came to Jesus and asked. “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered. “You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her” (Luke 10:38-41). We can almost hear the loving tone Jesus used to address Martha.
It’s difficult to accept criticisms but we can lessen the pain by saying them in love.
4. Earn our right to criticize
We should “earn the right to be heard.” First we should be a true friend at all times. When we do criticize, our friend will listen to us. Why? Because he knows that we really care for him; otherwise, he will just take our criticisms as fault finding. And note this – unless we praise him when he does something well, we have no right to criticize him when he does something wrong.
Second, we should correct ourselves first before we attempt to straighten out other people’s wrongs. Our Lord Jesus Christ said, “Should you say, ‘Friend let me help you get that speck of your eye,’ when you can’t even see because of the plank in your own? Hypocrite! First get rid of your plank, then you can see to help your brother” (Matthew 7:4-5). It’s so easy to see other people’s faults. But unless we correct ourselves, when we point out errors of others, they will get back at us and say, “How about you?” or Look who’s talking ...”
5. Go directly to the person involved not to other people
This way you give the person a chance to explain his side. If he has done something wrong, he will have an opportunity to correct it. Backbiting or criticizing somebody behind his back is unfair. Granting that the person deserves the criticism – he should be given an opportunity to correct it. What’s more, listen to his side of the story. If he’s not what you accuse him to be, then you have destroyed his reputation.
There maybe times when you feel you cannot confront a person directly. He may be unapproachable or you do not know him well enough. Then pray earnestly. Ask the Holy Spirit to illuminate his heart and give you wisdom on what to do. God may either give you the boldness to approach the person directly, or guide you to course the criticism confidentially through a third person who knows him well and to whom he will listen to. This way the matter will still be kept confidential.
6. Give criticism privately
Criticize a person when both of you are finally alone. In the presence of others, he might feel angry, embarrassed and defensive, and reject your criticism. Not only will your criticism fail to achieve its purpose, you might end up with a marred relationship also. Imagine yourself as the one criticized. How would you feel if you’re being roasted in public? The implied other half of what Jesus said in Matthew 7:12 is “Do not do unto others what you don’t want others to do unto you.”
7. Suggest a plan to correct the problem
It is easy to see what is wrong but to know how to resolve it is another matter. What is the use of pointing out defects in, say an organization, unless we can suggest solutions to the problems? Very often, the defects are obvious. To harp on them without offering ways to solve them only adds to frustrated feelings all around.
Let’s say your fellowship meetings have low attendance for several months. Every time you say. “We’re so few again, how depressing!” you drag down the spirit of people around you. Instead, why not suggest to the few regular attenders something like, “Why don’t we fast and pray together for a spiritual revival?”
Let us ask the Lord Jesus Christ for wisdom on what concrete solutions to suggest whenever we spot problems in people and in organizations.
8. Precede and end criticisms with words of appreciation
Human nature tends to notice the imperfections of a person and ignore his good points. Try this experiment. Take a sheet of paper and draw a dot in the middle. The dot occupies 2% of space while the white space is 98%. Then ask the people what they see. At least nine out of ten will tell you they see a dot, instead of a white sheet with a dot in the middle. This is human nature. Try another one. In a span of 24 hours, count the number of times you appreciate something and the number of times you talk negatively. You will realize that we are prone to disregard the positive and accentuate the negative. Many people hear more negative comments than encouragements. This makes them shut their minds off to even constructive criticisms for they are tired of criticisms in general. But a person will feel that he is a worthy being when we show appreciation for his strong points. This boosts
his self-esteem and makes him more likely to respond to our criticisms.
Sincerely say something good about the person, mention what you feel he should develop or correct, and finally say something good about him again. Example: “Johnny, we know you are a responsible person and have been doing your work well. But for the past weeks we noticed you’ve been late quite a few times reporting to office. If you can improve on your punctuality, you’d really be an asset to the company.” This way, the person will come out feeling good about himself and yet at the same time has something to think about in terms of self-improvement.
Conclusion
Next time we criticize, let us be careful of what we say, why we say it, how we say it, to whom it is said, and in what context it is said.
Reflection for a moment:
1. Is there someone I have criticized lately? How did I criticized him? What were my motives in criticizing?
2. Will my friend listen to me at once if I point out something which is not right in him/her?
3. When was the last time I criticized somebody and hurt his feelings in the process? Was hurting him avoidable?
4. Am I a fault-finder? What are the valid defects I see in some organizations I belong to? Have I taken time to think of solutions to suggest to the people concerned?
5. How often do I forget to appreciate some good things in people?
Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that builds up and provides what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you. (Ephesians 4:29)
From the booklet: Practical Christian Living by Bertram Lim
